Are You the Accidental Workplace Bully?
Most of us don’t wake up thinking, You know what? Today’s the day I’ll bulldoze my team and make my colleagues miserable. And yet, despite our best intentions, sometimes that’s precisely how others experience us. Impact trumps intent. If your team is experiencing you as an accidental workplace bully, your good intentions don’t change their reality.
I’ve coached many high-achieving leaders who were shocked, and I mean absolutely flabbergasted, to learn that their direct, results-driven approach was being interpreted as bullying behavior.
“But I’m just setting high expectations!”
“But I’m holding people accountable!”
“But they’re too sensitive!”
You’re focused on outcomes, efficiency, and driving results. But here’s the thing, impact trumps intent every single time. If multiple colleagues perceive you as a bully, it’s time to pause, reflect, and take a long, hard look in the mirror.
How to Recognise If You’re an Accidental Workplace Bully
It’s easy to dismiss feedback with “That’s just how I am” or “They need to toughen up.” Pointing your finger at others’ shortcomings. This is denial and real-time avoidance of accountability. However, if the same feedback keeps emerging across different teams and roles, you are the common denominator; it’s time to step center-stage and reflect on how YOU created this situation, whether intentionally or not.
Consider Mark’s story, which I share in my book, Cultivate. The Power of Winning Relationships. A brilliant technical expert, he was promoted to lead his department. On paper, it made perfect sense. In practice? Disaster. He spoke first (and last), dominated meetings, and dismissed others’ ideas before they had a chance to land. His colleagues stopped contributing, morale tanked, and people started actively avoiding him. Mark wasn’t intentionally shutting people down, but his impact, toxic environment, and disengaged team told a different story.
So, take a step back and ask yourself:
- Do people hesitate before speaking up in your meetings?
- Have others stopped giving you feedback?
- Are you interrupting or dismissing others without realizing it?
- Are your emails too blunt? (Be honest.)
If any of these hit a little too close to home, you’ve just found your starting point.
Responding to Feedback That You’re the Workplace Bully
The best leaders, those who inspire trust, loyalty, and collaboration, are the ones who listen and adapt. It’s not about becoming a people-pleaser; it’s about creating an environment where people feel safe enough to contribute their best work.
Here’s where to start:
✅ Ask for feedback. Seek out a trusted colleague (or three) and ask: “What’s one thing I could do differently to create a better working relationship?” Then shut up and listen. No justifications. No excuses. Just absorb.
✅ Watch non-verbal cues. Do people tense up when you walk into the room? Are they reluctant to speak up when you’re leading the discussion? That’s information you need to pay attention to!
✅ Count to five. Pause before you jump in with your brilliant (and possibly overpowering) response. Give others the space to contribute.
One leader I coached made remarkable progress by simply waiting five seconds before speaking in meetings. That’s it. Five seconds. And guess what? His team had a chance to share their ideas. That pause gave space for others’ contributions to land, for them to feel heard (and considered). That five-second pause changed his team’s dynamic more than any leadership program ever had
How to Rebuild Trust After Being Perceived as a Workplace Bully
Self-awareness is a significant first step, but if you’ve built a reputation as difficult to work with, you’ll need to do more than say you’re working on it—you need to show it.
Here’s how:
- Seek feedback from key stakeholders. You may need your coach to help gather the feedback for you, depending on the impact you’ve had. However, be curious about how others have experienced working with you and what they need to move forward.
- Acknowledge the impact. A simple “I realise I haven’t always created the best environment for collaboration, and I want to change that” can go a long way.
- Share what you’re working on. Let people know what behaviours you’re focusing on shifting and invite them to hold you accountable.
- Follow through. (Seriously, this is the big one.) If you say you’ll be more open to input, actually be more open to input.
Don’t expect immediate trust. If your colleagues have felt dismissed, intimidated, or steamrolled in the past, they will be sceptical of your initial efforts to effect change. That’s normal. Your job is to consistently demonstrate that you’re committed to new behaviors.
The Leadership Framework for Accidental Workplace Bullies
Bridging the perception gap from accidental workplace bully to trusted colleague takes time, effort, and a willingness to embrace discomfort. But the payoff? Stronger relationships, a more engaged team, and a reputation as a leader people actually want to work with.
So, next time you hear feedback that stings, instead of brushing it off, ask yourself:
“Why would a rational person think this about me?”
This deceptively simple question I share in Cultivate. The Power of Winning Relationships can shift your perspective from defensiveness to understanding.
At the end of the day, being perceived as a bully doesn’t make you a bad person, but ignoring it might make you a lousy leader.
Over to You:
If you’re navigating feedback that’s hard to hear, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Take the Ally Mindset™ Profile to understand how others experience working with you, or contact us about executive coaching.
Frequently Asked Questions about Workplace Bullying
How do I know if I’m being perceived as a bully at work?
The clearest signal is repeated feedback from different people across different contexts. If multiple colleagues describe you as intimidating, dismissive, or difficult to work with, you are the common denominator. Other signs include people hesitating before speaking in your meetings, colleagues no longer giving you honest feedback, team members avoiding you, or noticing that people tense up when you enter the room. The question to ask yourself isn’t “am I a bully?” but “why would a rational person experience me this way?” If you’re unsure, ask a trusted colleague directly: “What’s one thing I could do differently to create a better working relationship?” Then listen without justifying. The Ally Mindset™ Profile at SkyeTeam.cloud/YouMeWe can help you understand how others experience working with you.
What’s the difference between being a strong leader and being a workplace bully?
The difference is impact, not intent. Strong leaders set high expectations, hold people accountable, and drive results. But they do it in a way that makes people feel valued, heard, and respected. A leader who is being perceived as a bully may have the same goals but their approach leaves people feeling dismissed, intimidated, or diminished. The test is simple: are people around you contributing more because of your leadership, or contributing less? Are they speaking up or going silent? If your results-driven approach is shutting people down rather than lifting them up, your intent doesn’t change their experience. As Morag Barrett writes in Cultivate: The Power of Winning Relationships, impact trumps intent every single time.
How do I rebuild trust after being told I’m difficult to work with?
Start by acknowledging the impact without making excuses. A simple “I realise I haven’t always created the best environment for collaboration, and I want to change that” goes further than any justification. Then get specific: ask key stakeholders how they’ve experienced working with you and what they need going forward. Share what behaviours you’re working on and invite people to hold you accountable. Most importantly, follow through consistently. Don’t expect immediate trust. If colleagues have felt dismissed or steamrolled, they’ll be sceptical of your first efforts. That’s normal. Your job is to demonstrate new behaviours repeatedly until the pattern becomes undeniable. Working with an executive coach can accelerate this process by giving you honest feedback and structured accountability.
Morag Barrett is a keynote speaker, executive coach, and USA Today bestselling author who helps leaders tackle one of today’s biggest workplace challenges: disconnection. Her work focuses on human connection at work, workplace relationships, employee engagement, and team culture — giving leaders practical tools to build trust and perform better together. Her signature keynote, Fine Is a Four-Letter Word, has been delivered to Fortune 500 companies and industry conferences worldwide. Member of Marshall Goldsmith’s 100 Coaches. Regular contributor to Fast Company.
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